


Secrets

by dontbecooler



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Steve, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-03
Updated: 2015-06-12
Packaged: 2018-04-02 16:17:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4066459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontbecooler/pseuds/dontbecooler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone has their secrets, and some have a bigger impact than others. Will some finally twist Bucky violently out of recovery?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm writing this instead of studying!! Yay!! Unfortunately the co-author doesn't have anything I can credit her with but her name is Kasey and she is lovely and brilliant
> 
> She was Steve  
> I was Bucky and Natasha
> 
> Let me know if you want the second chapter sooner rather than later and I'll hook you up :)
> 
> ENJOYXX

**You know how Natalia talks to me in Russian when you're around sometimes? BB**

I've noticed. -SR

**She tells me things. BB**

What sorts of things? -SR

**Secrets. BB**

About what? -SR

**Secrets gain my trust so she tells them to me. BB**

Maybe she's just trying to get to know you. -SR

**I don't tell her things back. BB**

What does she tell you? -SR

**Did you know Clint has a stuffed teddy bear? BB**

Seriously? That's sort of cute. -SR

**Dr. Banner drinks chocolate milk to calm down. BB**

I actually knew that one. -SR

She say anything about me? -SR

**Hang on. I'm getting to that. BB**

**Tony gets JARVIS to mark down your workout routines so he can make his own based on yours. BB**

I noticed that. It's weird considering that he could just ask if he wanted to spar. -SR

**Maria has a crush on Sam. But she would never say anything. BB**

**So don't say anything. BB**

Seriously? That's fantastic! -SR

**Don't say anything. BB**

But Sam is crazy about her. -SR

**I'm not supposed to be telling you this. Let Sam sort out his own love life. BB**

Him and Natasha don't give me a break, why should I? -SR

**Because I asked. BB**

**Thor uses woman's shampoo on occasion. BB**

That makes sense. How else would it get like that? -SR

**Natalia had only told me one thing about you I didn't know. BB**

What was that? -SR

**At first I thought she was joking but then I started seeing. BB**

**You're in love with me. BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

What? -SR

**That's what she told me. BB**

Do you believe her? -SR

**I want to, yeah. BB**

Want to? Why? -SR

**You remember Danny Watts? The guy who had a punch up with both of us when you were fifteen? BB**

That jerk? Yeah. Why? -SR

**You threw the first punch. BB**

**When he called me an idiot. BB**

He was the idiot. Christ, you were the smartest kid in school. -SR

**You were wearing dark blue slacks and a brown shirt thing. Your hair was pushed the opposite way to usual, I don't know why. BB**

You remember all that? -SR

**You got... A black eye, and split your lip in two places and while you were healing you tried to get him again. You... Threw a rock at him from my apartment window when you saw him on the street. BB**

And then he found me the next day and kicked my ass all over again. -SR

But he never called you dumb again. -SR

**When I found you in the alley, I thought I was going to kick your ass myself. BB**

**I nearly cried you know. BB**

What? Why? –SR

**The one time seeing you beat up nearly made me cry. BB**

I was fine, Buck. -SR

**Because... Well. BB**

**That was when I realized I was in love with you. BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

Why didn't you tell me? -SR

**It was illegal. I thought you'd hate me. The world would hate me. It was a sin and it was disgusting and yet it wouldn't go away no matter how many dames I had sex with. BB**

**I tried. All of Brooklyn I tried to find a dame that would make what I felt for you stop but it only made it worse. BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

Why don't you think I dated? -SR

I mean, yeah I was small and sick and not all that much to look at but I could've tried to get a date. -SR

**You were gorgeous, and every date of yours that tried to get with me I nearly punched. 'What are you thinking?!' I wanted to yell at them. They didn't understand what they were missing out on. BB**

You were the one that set up every date I had. I never wanted to go. -SR

**You shoulda told me. BB**

You'd ask why and I couldn't tell you that. Not then. -SR

**So it's true? BB**

I've loved you since we were thirteen. -SR

**Of course you did. BB**

**And... When I fell? Or when I went to war...? BB**

I never stopped. -SR

**Fuck Steve. I'm sorry. BB**

**Miss. Peggy was a good choice. You shoulda stuck with her. BB**

Remember how you said you went with dames to get me outta your head? -SR

**You shoulda stuck with her. BB**

I never stopped, Buck. Not since we were kids. It never went away. It got stronger and it nearly killed me, but I never stopped. -SR

Wait. What do you mean, 'of course I did.' I thought Natasha just told you. -SR

**No. That... Of course you loved me back. That was the irony of it all. We loved each other but thought the other didn't. BB**

Our timing has been terrible. -SR

**I'm going to tell you a secret. BB**

**But you have to promise not to get upset. BB**

Tell me. Please. -SR

**Promise me. BB**

I can't promise that. I promise I'll try not to. -SR

**The first time a handler fucked me... The first time a man tried to fuck me, even after all the wiping and conditioning they did to make me compliant... BB**

**It was your name I screamed out. BB**

**I'm sorry. BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

Oh my God, Buck... -SR

**I shoulda tried harder to get back to you. BB**

Why are you sorry? -SR

**I shoulda... Fought more. BB**

Are you kidding? This is my fault. -SR

I couldn't save you. I was given all of this power and all of this strength and I couldn't save the man I loved. -SR

**It's not your fault. BB**

You know what's crazy? -SR

**What? BB**

Once they made me like this, I had this reoccurring fantasy. -SR

**What do you mean? BB**

I kept thinking that when we both got home after the war, I was finally gonna tell you how I felt. -SR

**Oh Stevie. I'm sorry. BB**

**I screamed how I felt to the sky as I lay in that valley. BB**

**It's not your fault. BB**

It is. I lost you and I was broken. -SR

I put on a mask and tried so hard to love Peggy. -SR

I could've found a way not to crash. I'm sure of it. I just... -SR

**I know. BB**

**You wanna know something? BB**

What? -SR

**I told myself that this thing would die with me. This thing I'm about to tell you. As I lay in that valley I tried to push this down more than anything... BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

What is it, Buck? -SR

**I coulda got your hand. On the train. We were both reaching out, and I could've reached further... I knew that your hold wasn't strong enough and if I tried to catch onto you, you woulda fallen too. And America needed you. I was... Superfluous. So... BB**

**I let go before you could grab my hand. BB**

No. -SR

**It's not your fault. BB**

**I'm so sorry. BB**

**It's not your fault. BB**

I could've done it. I could've saved us both. -SR

You're all I had. -SR

**You couldn't have. I let go. I let go Steve and I did it to save you. BB**

Never do that again. -SR

**I'm so sorry. BB**

**I never forgot you though. Not really. BB**

You're all I had. You're all I have. -SR

**Most of my scars are because I could never forget you. BB**

**You know what they did to really break me? BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

What did they do? -SR

**They showed me the newspapers of your death. When you crashed the plane. And... I'd been somewhat been managing. Then... I didn't have a purpose. You'd died. BB**

I'm sorry. -SR

I should have tried harder to live. -SR

I should have fought to find you. -SR

[ _Long Delay_ ]

**Hey Steve? BB**

Yeah? -SR

**It's actually Nat. JARVIS sent me down to check on your boy... He ain't doing well. I've got him drinking straight spirits curled up in a corner sobbing his eyes out. I'm gonna tell you what I told him. Okay? BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

What do you mean? -SR

**You've got the opportunity now to be in love. All this crap, everything that's happened. It's brought you back together, and nothing is stopping you from being together. Be mad, be sad, but you two have to find a way to get through that to be happy. You can be together now okay? The past is past and all you have is the future. BB**

**What do you want me to do with him? You think he'll attack me if I try to get him into bed? BB**

[ _Short Delay_ ]

Was this you the whole time? -SR

**No, asshole. I just said JARVIS sent me down. BB**

Oh thank God. -SR

I'm on my way. Leave him alone for now. Just talk to him. -SR

**He's not talking. BB**

Keep trying. -SR

Did you read any of these messages? –SR

**No. BB**

**Take away the booze? BB**

Please take away the booze. -SR

We were talking about that. Us. -SR

**Look Steve, I deal in secrets, but I don't take what isn't given to me. You don't have to say anything and I won't read a word of it. BB**

You're my friend and I trust you. I'll tell you all about it after he's not having a panic attack. -SR

**He won't give me the alcohol and he looks like he's about to hit me. BB**

Give him space. -SR

Tell him I'm on my way. -SR

[ _Delay_ ]

**It made him curl up in a ball and cry more. He looks like he's trying rip out his hair. I can't let him just sit there. BB**

**What should I say? BB**

I have no idea! -SR

Christ. I have no idea. -SR

He was fine and... -SR

Should I not come? -SR

**He wasn't fine. That's why JARVIS sent me. BB**

But he was fine when we were texting. -SR

I did this to him. I must have said something... –SR

**And you would've thought I was still him if I hadn't told you who I was. You don't know what was happening this end. BB**

**He's whispering... 'I let go, he'll hate me', in Russian. Does that mean anything to you? BB**

[ _Delay_ ]

Tell him that I love him. That I forgive him. -SR

**Yes sir. BB**

I should have left sooner. I shouldn't have let this happen. -SR

I keep fucking him up, Natasha. -SR

**You almost at the tower? He's convinced himself that he's ruined everything. BB**

**He's apologizing and I don't know if it's to me or... BB**

Tell him that I'm almost there. That I love him and that he hasn't ruined anything. -SR

**Aye aye captain. BB**

Thank you. -SR

Surprise. We sort of admitted that we're crazy about each other but it led to him having a panic attack so I don't know what that means... -SR

**Don't know what was said. You can sort it out when you're here. Hurry up though. It's his metal hand in his hair. BB**

Will I just make it worse? -SR

**It's either you here or no hair. BB**


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So means they're speaking in Russian, and look out for Bucky being rather violent with his words :O yeah, take care of yourselves
> 
> Sorry this took a little while, I've been procrastinating hard :P
> 
> ENJOY XX

"<I'll slit your throat if you touch me>," Bucky had hissed most recently, and he meant it. He was twisting and falling and spinning and Steve hated him and he'd let go. There was no way he could ever make it up to the blond, he had been all the blond had, and he'd let go. He shouldn't have shared that. He should have been extremely selfish and let Steve think it was his fault. Because then they could've been together and Steve wouldn't hate him.

"<He's almost here Barnes. Steve's almost here>." The red bitch was murmuring, and Bucky rolled onto his side, away from the light, away from everything. His scalp was screaming where he pulled at it, a nameless punishment that he deserved for hurting Steve. He'd been fine to start off with, his method to admit his love, but as soon as the past started bringing up the hard things, he'd started slipping. First came the vodka, then the tears, then his secrets.

"<I'll kill you, I'll slit your wrists>," he continued to his, his apologies and his secrets now swallowed so the other assassin couldn't tell Steve anything. He didn't know that she'd been neglecting to tell Steve the threats. He was cradling the bottle to his chest, it wasn't making him buzz like it would've before the war, he just needed the burn. "<I'll kill you and then I'll skin you>." Bucky's knees were right to his chest, his eyes were stinging with tears that wouldn't come anymore... And he'd let go.

"I'm here. I'm here," Steve was very rarely out of breath, but he sprinted as fast as his legs could carry him all the way to the Avenger's tower from across town. Panting deeply, he glanced up at his friend and offered her a nervous look before kneeling down next to Bucky, not making any move to touch him. "Hi, Buck. It's me. I'm right here. Talk to me. I thought everything was going good. We were finally talking about everything and hashing it out. What happened?" His tone was very gentle as he swallowed back a sob. It killed him to see the man in so much pain. Steve wanted nothing more than to gather him in his arms and hold him, but he knew better than to touch him right then and there. "No more booze, okay? Just talk to me. Please."

Natasha moved out of the way as soon as Steve was inside, and she had her hand on her knife in case she needed it. Bucky's eyes snapped open and up to Steve's face, and he flinched so much in anticipation for punishment that it looked like he'd already been hit.

"<Get away from me>," he murmured, eyes as wide as plates, and he couldn't force himself out of what had been made into his mother tongue. "<Get away or I'll hurt you again>." He tried to curl up further, the metal on his hand was getting specks of blood on it now, and his grip only tightened.

"He says you need to get away because he'll hurt you," Natasha offered, eyes sharp like spears as she calculated things. She could whack Bucky over the back of the head with something solid, and then they could tie him to his bed so he couldn't hurt anyone if he woke up in a panic.

Bucky's eyes snapped to the redhead and he curled his lips like a cornered animal. Was this her fault? Was Steve worrying because she had snatched his phone and started texting?

"<I'm going to kill you, if you come anywhere near him I'll snap your pretty fuckin' neck>." Natasha swallowed slightly, and decided not to relay that. It wasn't often she felt threatened, but Bucky was much like a rabid wolf confronted by prey. He was dangerous.

"Nat, I think maybe you should go. I can handle this." Steve stared at her, offering her a strained, nervous smile. "I don't know what he's saying, but I don't like it. If I need you, I'll call you in. Just... Give me a little while alone with him? Please?" he asked. In his right mind, Steve trusted Bucky with his life. Unfortunately, Bucky was very far from his right mind and he was terrified for the first time in a long time. Not for himself, of course, or even so much for Natasha. After all, he really couldn't understand what he was saying. He was terrified that Bucky was going to hurt himself.

"Bucky, take a deep breath. Please. You're safe here. I'm not going to let anyone hurt you again. I love you, remember? I finally told you that."

Natasha grit her jaw, holding her knife carefully. "I'm just going to be outside Steve," she murmured, but if anyone could negotiate with the short circuiting super soldier it was Steve. Bucky audibly growled at the woman as she walked, bristling like a threatened dog and he hissed like a cat for a second before subduing himself just a little at Steve's words. He wasn't going to hurt Steve on purpose, but he hasn't freaked out like this for a few months, not since Steve had tried to convince him to go to therapy, and he was frightened he was going to do something he couldn't undo. The terror only fuelled his distress.

"<How can you love me?>" He spat, and his eyes flashed dangerously. How could anyone love him? He wasn't the man Steve fell in love with, he was a battered shell with a ghost and many nightmares. " _Sobaka_!" He shrieked out of nowhere, eyes wild. Their name for him, HYDRA's pet name. " <How can you love a dog like me?>"

"<I love you>," Steve whispered, using the only phrase he knew in Russian. His voice was thick with emotion and heavily accented, but he prayed Bucky would get the message.

“You've been doing so great, Buck. You've been recovering so well. This isn't a big deal, you know. You acting like this. You're going to be just fine. I haven't met anyone in my life as strong as you are. You've withstood so much. You've survived torture and pain beyond compare. And yet you're still here. You're still here and I am so grateful for that. And I'm so proud of you.

You're the most incredible person I know. You were incredible before the war and you're incredible now. I love you, James Barnes."

Bucky shuddered, and he watched Steve in complete silence for a full minute as his head clicked slowly, like gears waking up. Steve had said he loved him in the mother tongue, he'd learnt it in Russian? Bucky grit his jaw, unclenched it, and he was blinking quickly. The gears in his arm were whirring like they were hot, and slowly, carefully, he felt his fingers splaying out. They were tinged red, the air was dusted with the smell of iron, but Bucky was slowly lowering the bottle to the ground too.

"<I love you>," he repeated more slowly, and his breathing was heavy and thick, his chest ballooning, and he couldn't really calm it down. "I love you too." His words were covered in the Russian accent, he was slowly uncurling from the ball he was in, and he didn't know what he'd do if Steve touched him yet. "And you know not to call me James—" his voice caught, and he swallowed, trying to push himself into the wall. He didn't deny anyone, he didn't deny or he got hit.

"<I love you>," he reverted back to, almost like a way to beg some sort of forgiveness for his insolence.

"I know, Buck. I just wanted to show you how serious I am about this. Breathe for me, love. Please. Just keep taking deep breaths," Steve urged. "That's it, just like that. You're doing so great. No more hurting yourself, okay? No one is allowed to hurt you ever again while I'm around. That includes you." He grinned brightly, desperately wanting to give him some sort of positive touch but not sure how.

"Can you talk to me? Can you tell me what's wrong? I want to help you."

Bucky's smile was thin lipped and cautious. He didn't know if he could trust himself to keep doing what Steve wanted him to. He swallowed, shudders rolling down his body at the shock he was experiencing. He was slowly going numb though. He had trained himself to slowly go numb. If he hadn't, he would be dead.

He pushed himself up more, so he was sitting cross-legged, and he crossed his arms over his chest, he was rocking at the same time as his breaths, and his jaw was working desperately. "<I let go>," he admitted again, shutting his eyes and wincing, but then realized that Steve couldn't understand. "I let go, and I was the only thing you had."

"Oh." Dread crept into Steve's veins as he rapidly shook his head. "No, no. Bucky..." He took a deep breath as he reached for his uninjured hand. Very gently, he squeezed it as he gestured for Bucky to look at him.

"I know why you did it. I understand. I just... I love you. I always have and I always will. I don't want you to be hurt. You sacrificed yourself for me and... I feel like I let you down. Those bastards hurt you and I couldn't do anything about it. I am so sorry. But... The past is in the past. We're both here now and we're _very_ different people, but not too different. I still feel the same way about you that I did when I was thirteen and stupid."

Bucky did look at Steve, his hand was limp, none threatening, but he was still tense everywhere else. He didn't really know how to reply, so he spoke simply, bottom lip trembling like he was a young boy now, a young boy with something haunting behind his eyes. He could feel blood spreading slowly like molasses on his head, and his words were soft. "You're one of my best kept secrets." And then his shoulders dropped at the same time as his gaze, a wrecked sob tearing at his throat. No tears, just a rough exhale of ear that made everything ache.

His feelings for Steve, a secret that HYDRA had torn from him and used, and now... And Steve reciprocated. He was swaying where he sat, and he was swallowing around the lump in his throat. It wouldn't go away. "I'm scared." That was barely audible. He didn't get scared. He was an international assassin, the highest amount of confirmed kills than any other. And now... Faced with what could potentially be rejection, he was terrified.

"I am too," he admitted just as gently. "But I mean it when I say that I love you. I mean it when I say that I'm never going to let anyone hurt you again. As long as you want me, I'm not going to go anywhere. I'm in this forever if you'll have me." Steve squeezed his hand once more before carefully cupping the side of his face. Bucky seemed to have calmed down, this seemed like it was going to be alright.

"We don't have to have these kinds of secrets anymore. You aren't HYDRA's weapon. You're Bucky Barnes. More importantly, you are your own person that deserves to be loved and happy."

Bucky looked up, and he hadn't realized how close he'd let Steve get, but now he didn't want him to ever be far away again. He nodded slowly, into the hand. "You love me and make me happy," he admitted, blinking away some of the redness out of his eyes. He leaned away from the wall, and then he fell forward, into Steve's chest, and his forehead was on Steve's sternum. He breathed in the familiar smell, and that immediately calmed him some as he slowly brought his arms slowly around Steve's waist.

"I'll have you forever," he said into the fabric of Steve's shirt, working on pulling himself into Steve's lap from the awkward position he’d somehow managed to get himself into,

"Thank you." Steve felt tears begin to prick at the corners of his eyes as he wrapped his arms around Bucky's frame, pulling him closer. "I've loved you my entire life, you know. That's never going to change. Just... Thank you. For everything you've done. For the sacrifices and for loving me. It's more than I'll ever deserve, but I won't ever take it for granted."

Bucky shook his head, and he looked up slowly, surprised when he saw the redness of Steve’s eyes. Steve was the strong one... He didn't cry. Bucky was leaning forward and kissing the path the tears would’ve taken had Steve been actually letting them. He was kissing before he knew he was, and he made a disapproving noise in the back of his throat.

"Don't be a punk, I love you, and you deserve the world. I love you, my velikopnyy, my mir," he murmured, not going anywhere near Steve's lips just yet, wanting to make him feel comforted. Wanting to make up for breaking down. His mind was clear now, guilt was lacing his veins, and he needed to make up for the other.

"I may be a punk, but I'm _your_ punk, you jerk," he teased with a light chuckle. "I don't know what that means, but same here, Buck." Steve shut his eyes for a moment, desperate to feel any sort of touch Bucky was willing to give him. "Are you feeling any better, love?"

Bucky broke into a smile. "You pulled me out of that. I need—" he stopped and looked to the door. "I have to say sorry to Nat. I wasn't... I was being awful." He bit his bottom lip, feeling even more guilt now. "I'm feeling better, but now..." He looked to the little bit of blood he'd gotten on Steve's shirt. "I need to clean things up." He winced a little, and let out a shaky breath. "I'm sorry if I scared you," he finally settled on saying, because he didn't want to overwhelm himself with thoughts. That's what pulled him into this panic in the first place.

"You kidding? It's gonna take more than a panic attack to scare me off, babe." Steve leaned in and kissed his forehead before attempting to help him stand. "How about I take you to apologize to Nat, we got upstairs and I help you get all cleaned off, and then tomorrow maybe you give your therapist a call? Only if you want, though. I just think that maybe it can help you a little bit," he admitted.

Bucky stood slowly, knees shaking, these episodes always left him exhausted, and while he'd been trained to avoid exhaustion and work through it, he felt safe enough to cave to it. "Can you text Nat and tell her I'll talk to her later? I just..." He leaned into Steve's chest, his hands flat on Steve's pecs. "Sleep?"

"Sleep is a much better idea." Steve pulled him close as he began to rub soothing circles onto his back. "You and her will be fine. I promise."

Bucky swallowed and nodded. He wondered if Steve would carry him, and maybe stay with him in his bed tonight. It wasn't a new thing, they'd shared beds, tents, even a sleeping bag one time, that had been a happy time, so now it wasn't any different right?

"Everything will be fine," he said softly, biting his bottom lip and pulling back to look at Steve's face. "Stay with me tonight?" He asked, blinking slowly.

"Oh gee, my best fella wants me to share a bed with him... What a hardship..." Steve laughed as he scooped Bucky into his arms with relative ease. Bucky had that look in his eyes again, one that he got when he wanted to be coddled a little. It was rare and special, but Steve was happy to cater to it.

"Do you know how hard it always was for me when we had to share beds back in the day?" he asked with a knowing grin. "You're gorgeous and it took every bit of willpower not to just stare at you like a creep."

Bucky let out a small squawk as Steve seemed to read his mind, and he threw his arm around Steve's shoulder. He blushed just a little, and he stretched up, his back protesting because he was aching, to press a soft kiss to Steve's lips. Careful, not intense, thankful, because the weight off his legs was entirely appreciated, and he smiled, full and relaxed as he went lax in Steve's arms.

"I stared at you, only when I was sure you were asleep," he admitted, another secret that he could share now. He licked his bottom lip, wanting to kiss Steve again but not wanting to be too forward.

"You were so popular with those girls and I was..." He trailed off for a moment. "I didn't want to ruin you. I didn't want you to hate me. But now, we finally get our chance." With a grin, he leaned in and kissed him long and slow, not letting it get too heated, but it was perfect. He held himself to Bucky for as long as he could, lips moving slowly. It wasn’t fireworks, it wasn’t life changing. It felt like he was coming home with Bucky after the war. "I love you," he murmured when he pulled back, cheeks dusted pink.

Bucky flung his other arm up and wrapped that under Steve's jaw, peppering slow careful kisses on the blond’s lips. He hummed softly as he pressed a lingering kiss, and he shut his eyes for a second. "<I love you too>, so much babydoll," he cooed, fingers curling at the nape of the man's neck.

"Now take me bed my love, before the fatigue and suspense make me die. I think I have a few secrets to show you."


End file.
